Isang pag-hanga kay Sam

On my previous entries, i was mentioning about this person who's older than me. I would never reveal who this person was. Let's just call him Sam.

I seldom got attracted to the opposite sex because of my painful experiences in the past. Most of the guys I've met are jerks. In other words, the knight in shining armor that I hoped to meet turned out to be a loser wrapped in a tin foil. Naka-dala. Sobra.

At this point, I'm happy with or without a special someone. Well, I'm not closing my doors naman, it's just a matter of protecting myself from getting hurt for the wrong reasons. I'm trying to establish non-romantic relationships with guys and I'm focusing on the things that I truly wanted without a guy's influence.

I keep telling to my friends that I don't want to get distracted and that I won't allow anyone to get in my way. One day, it was about to change, I saw Sam. Kinumusta nya ako as he flashed his killer smile. No matter how dense I am towards the opposite sex, I still have weakness for this. Sorry, tao lang. At that moment,I mutterd, "Shucks, ang gwapo niya.I've never seen him for years." I know that I sound like a fifteen year old who's getting attracted with someone. But, let's face it, we were like teenagers during moments like this. No matter how old we are, we would still get giddy at times.


I know that there's nothing wrong with getting attracted to person like him. He's good looking and witty, definitely a no non-sense guy. He's way different from the guys that I've met.
The only thing is that, he's commited to serve God for the rest of his life. Two years ago, he made his vow of celibacy. Basta, yun na yun. Of course, as a twenty-four year old gal, I have to be responsible for my actions. I won't let attraction to rule my actions towards him. I'll put it this way, I'll just see him as a monoblock chair. Just like my Philosophy professor in college said, "Kulay lang siya". So, ganun na lang, para quits.

I've had comic encounters with him. The first one was during a mass when I came from a drinking session with my college friends. That time, I'm not an SFC yet. I could walk straight but my but brain can't. I know that he was about to approach me. I suddenly knelt down, closed my eyes, clasped my hands, and pretendened to pray. I was suprised to find out that he would officiate the mass that I was going to attend. I tried to concentrate but I can't because of my dizziness. During the homily, tinamaan ako. He was pointing out to the youth. Sam said this with conviction, "Sana kayong kabataan, hindi lang puro gimik, 'inom', bisyo ang ina-atupad niyo. Sana mag-serve din kayo." That time, I told myself, "Nang-aasar ba 'to? Para kasing mag-aaklas." After the mass, I went home.
The next one just happened yesterday. Before he blessed our house, we ate breakfast. I accidentally spilled a glass of water. I loudly said "Ay! #@$%!. He was shocked and my mom's eyes rolled. I know that she was embarassed for me. That moment, I cringed. "Sorry, I'm only human." I said in a 'jologs' way. When I told this to some of my friends, they bursted with laughter. I don't know why, it's just so weird.

At this point, I know where I stand. I know that I would just be a distant admirer forever. Ayoko nang ipilit ang sarili ko sa kanya because he belongs to God. For sure, this feeling will pass. But, I like what I'm feeling right now, so might as well, enjoy it di ba? The advantage of being distant is having less chances of screwing things up. The best thing about this is that I could blog about him anytime I want and I would never had to worry that he would read this. Kasi nga,hindi kami close.

Things are better this way. After all, I don't want to have a pinoy version of El Crimen del Padre Amaro. Bad yun.

Kasi Naman

For the past few weeks, I realized that God challenged me.

I kept saying to myself and to my friends that "I don't want to get distracted by a person". Until, this guy enters the scene and caught my attention. I won't go over the details because I made a previous entry about him already.
Now, I understand why I'm not comfortable with the idea of getting attracted with someone. Here are my reasons: 1)I've had experiences in the past when a certain guy played with my feelings. 2) I fear that they might be taken already (I hope not). 3) I don't want these things to happen again.

What I really wanted to happen is to get close to him, without any romantic overtures. I don't know if this would really happen, bahala na si God. Gosh, I wanted to get over him so badly.

But this time, I'll do this differently. I'll face this with courage. After all, God is here to back me up.

Si Ate Nina

I'm writing this entry after we gave our surprise celebration to her. Her birthday is actually next week, but we decided to celebrate it earlier.

I can't help but feel happy for this person, Ate Nina is like a sister that I never had. I would never forget what she said to me when she asked me to continue the last four talks of CLP (Christian Life Program). During that time, I tried to withdraw from the community because of what took place in our family. I felt that I don't deserve to be part of that group. Needless to say, I don't have a face to show them.
I've missed four talks, and that time, I thought that, wala siguro silang pakialam.
Apparently, I was wrong.

Ate Nina texted me and asked if we could meet at one place. I gave it a chance.
She asked me if I'm willing to continue CLP. I told her that I was not really certain about it. I cannot forget what she said to me at that moment, "Sayang. Alam mo, gusto ka namin kasama." I was moved when I heard these words. I was not close to her that time, but I knew that she was a sincere person. Then, I also realized that you would seldom hear these from people. I find it hard to trust people because of my past experiences. But with her, I took the chance.

That time,I saw God's human face through her.
Earlier, when we did our 'honoring', I realized how she touched other people. In other words, she is a blessing to us. Kuya Vheen, her boyfriend ,told us that of all the things that we said to her, he knew that he is with the right girl. If I'm going to hear this line from a special someone, I would probably be the happiest person on earth.

A kind-hearted person like Ate Nina deserves to be treated like a princess for a day.

Home

They say "Home" is where you feel a sense of acceptance and I don't think I have it. For years, I tried to justify that my family was just not expressive,that they love me and accept me for who I really am.
I guess, I was wrong because I feel the brokenness now. Even if Dad moved abroad, I can still feel the pain that their separation caused us. I can vividly recall when he became cold to me on my graduation. When I tried to embrace him, he moved away. I tried to reach out to him, but he was so distant. I was never treated as a Daddy's girl, he never told me that I was beautiful.
Well, I don't say that my Dad is the only one responsible for their separation. My Mom too, has her share. She tried to be perfect mom or the superwoman. She often equates love on material things. She may be hands on to us when we were young,but I was emotionally detached to her. I find it hard to express my emotions, because whenever I do so, she would often say that I wallow myself in pity.
I grew up having a love-hate relationship with her. It was really confusing. There were times when I feel secured. But, when she scold me or beat me up, I got scared.
She has this high of hitting us whenever she got pissed or angry. Dad too, did this to us. For them, it's a way of discipline. For me, it was a form of abuse because it causes trauma.
I'm not claiming that I'm a perfect child. In fact, I'm way far from it. I admit that I also have my shortcomings. But, there's one thing that I didn't do, I never rebelled against them. I didn't do drugs or any thing that could damage myself. Instead, I sought help from God because I can't do this alone.
I believe that he has a way to make things straight.
I wanted to experience what it feels like to belong in a family someday because I believe that a person's greatest asset is to have group of people that affirms you.
I wanted to feel like home again.

Dyahe

"Dyahe" in Filipino means something that makes a person uncomfortable to reveal.

This word would be apt for this entry.

Right now, I have something that I wanted to share but felt uneasy to do so. I wanted to tell this to my friends, but I'm still itching to write it. What I'm going to disclose in this article was probable appropriate for teenagers. But for people in my age, I don't know.

For the past few weeeks, I caught myself attracted to this guy. The last time I saw him, I told myself, "He looks nice." I secretly glance at him from afar because I don't want to be mistaken as a "psycho" or "stalker".
I've had awkward moments with him and sometimes I wish that he would forget me soon.I've had bad experiences with those guys that I used to like. And this time, I wish that it won't happen again.

What makes me "dyahe" to reveal this is because he's ten years older than me. Feeling
ko nakak-karma ako. Before, I use to make "okray" about guys who were a decade older than me. I kept on telling my friends,"Ayoko yan, atat na yan magpa-kasal".
Shucks! I never thought that I would get attracted to this guy. How I wish that my emotions would change quickly, or sana na lang wala akong pakiramdam.
I admit, I want to get close to him or have the chance to work with him because I want to know this guy without romance. I find it easier to get close to a guy if I'm not attracted.

At this point, I wanted to talk to him. But I can't. "Dyahe" kasi if I'm going to make the first move. The best thing that I could do is blog about him. Mabuti na lang at hindi niya ako masyadong kilala. I'm sure that he won't read this.
.

Whatever happens it the future, bahala na si Batman