Home

They say "Home" is where you feel a sense of acceptance and I don't think I have it. For years, I tried to justify that my family was just not expressive,that they love me and accept me for who I really am.
I guess, I was wrong because I feel the brokenness now. Even if Dad moved abroad, I can still feel the pain that their separation caused us. I can vividly recall when he became cold to me on my graduation. When I tried to embrace him, he moved away. I tried to reach out to him, but he was so distant. I was never treated as a Daddy's girl, he never told me that I was beautiful.
Well, I don't say that my Dad is the only one responsible for their separation. My Mom too, has her share. She tried to be perfect mom or the superwoman. She often equates love on material things. She may be hands on to us when we were young,but I was emotionally detached to her. I find it hard to express my emotions, because whenever I do so, she would often say that I wallow myself in pity.
I grew up having a love-hate relationship with her. It was really confusing. There were times when I feel secured. But, when she scold me or beat me up, I got scared.
She has this high of hitting us whenever she got pissed or angry. Dad too, did this to us. For them, it's a way of discipline. For me, it was a form of abuse because it causes trauma.
I'm not claiming that I'm a perfect child. In fact, I'm way far from it. I admit that I also have my shortcomings. But, there's one thing that I didn't do, I never rebelled against them. I didn't do drugs or any thing that could damage myself. Instead, I sought help from God because I can't do this alone.
I believe that he has a way to make things straight.
I wanted to experience what it feels like to belong in a family someday because I believe that a person's greatest asset is to have group of people that affirms you.
I wanted to feel like home again.